Getting Married

It's official. I'm a "wife." It truly boggles the mind (for me at least) how things change. Three years ago I had less then no clue where I would be now. In fact, I thought there was no chance of my life being in this place. Of course, I figured on it being in other, more glamourous places. Like L.A.. I would swan around at night with the stars, work hard all day on an award winning show, preferably a soap opera. Then I met Stephan, and stayed in Portland to make things easier for us. Then I quit my job, to ward off insanity. So essentially, my career is also nothing like I thought it would be, but in the opposite way from my personal life.

Does this mean it's really impossible to have both? That in some grand balance, I already have given up one for the other? Or, more prosaically, is it really just a economic downturn wreaking havoc on my professional ego? Right now I have what laughingly passes for employment, sans paycheck. And no matter what I apply for, if I want ti or not, I have no luck moving out of this rut. And frankly, it's harder than I thought to volunteer. The words, "I can't totally commit to a schedule, because if get offered employment, I need to take it," were not what the library wanted to hear. You would think that with so many people out of jobs, wanting to be productive, they would come up with something that works for everyone.

So- the search for meaning outside the work place. I have more time to plan weddings, and do projects around the house. I have more time to write, but of course I don't. Apparently it's been months since I last did. The problem is that I find little of it satisfying without, fuck up though it is, a paycheck attached to it. Okay, that's not totally accurate, but I find it hard to feel like anything is as worthy of respect as having a job. Yes, I've spent a day and a half (so far) revamping the bathroom. Yes, it's satisfying to see it come along. But somehow I can't make it stack up in my head to Stephan's job, with which he supports me, the dabbler in design.

Unfortunately, I'm not going anywhere with this. It's just a get it out of my head onto a blog. I'll let you (myself) know if I reach any conclusions.