Home again

My job is on hiatus for at least two weeks. While it didn't pay almost anything, it took care of two bills, and got me out of the house everyday- two things key in making me feel like a productive human being, as opposed to a parasite. 

I am a 'Real Housewife of Multnomah County.' Minus the housewife part. But I'm almost a housewife. Stephan and I refer to my role as being a House Elf, thank you Harry Potter.  But the truth is that I don't spend that much time cleaning, cooking, or gardening, and that I find little satisfaction in any of it. It makes it hard to do any of it well. And the kind of cooking that would be consuming generally involves expensive ingredients, which I feel is not exceptable (this is apparently not a word, so I guess I can't write either).  

So I guess the thing is that when I am not making money, I feel like I shouldn't want things- dinners out, cute clothes, cool new plants, art supplies, new editing suites, etc. But I do want all of these things, which makes me feel like a parasite, and stresses Stephan out, I assume. And why should he, on top of paying for all of my stuff (which, on a basic level, is no small thing), and pay for my toys too? He shouldn't. So then there is the double Idea that not only should I not want things, but if I do, I shouldn't talk about it. Which in turn leads to the 'suffering silently' thing, albeit I am not suffering, and hardly ever silent. 

What is a House Elf to do?

I can throw myself into truly in depth cleaning projects. I suppose today I could really, really clean the bathroom, which it really, really needs. But I find the prospect unappealing if I can't then paint it another color and put in a shelf and floor rug. All of which cost money, thus undermining the selfless, money free part of the project. I realize virtue is supposed to be it's own reward or some shit like that, but I'm not feeling it. 

I studied my German for about ten minutes. Stuff I should already know, at that. Now I'm typing. Rumor has it if I can get enough people to read my blog, then I can make money off of it, but this doesn't seem to likely to be a short term solution to anything. 

I'm getting married, but any progress on this cannot be made solo, because a) Stephan wants to be a part of the decisions, and b) with my father possibly paying for stuff, I have to be sure before I can move forward with anything, because god knows I don't have anything of my own to contribute. 

I could job search, but that's a surefire way to end up feeling suicidal. As well as angry. Every time I think of the way I quit my job, I feel stupid, like "why did I do that?" as well as feeling really mad, because when it comes down to it, I really don't feel like I had a choice. This is a vicious and unproductive cycle my brain likes to indulge in far more than I do. 

 

Now I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat until The Young and the Restless starts, because it's more fun that way. And I don't want to eat now AND in 20 minutes, because then I will blimp out and get depressed and useless and stupid because all I do is watch  The Young and the Restless and Stephan will leave me because I've become Peggy Bundy and then where will I be?

With that, I'm leaving off on what seems to be the worlds most boring/self-indulgent blog entry. 

I have to entertain myself until it's time to eat, watch my stories, then go try to get toned at the gym, then clean the bathroom and neaten the house and then pretty up and cook dinner in something skimpy. 

Because that's what a good House Parasite does.